Most days I feel like I am a pretty darn good parent. I take care of a 21 month old and a 6 month old 24/7 and don't have the luxury of having relatives in the area to help out. But some days I have doubts and lately I've had a week of those days.
I am sure that I am not the first, nor the last, mommy to feel this way. I am sure we all second guess ourselves at times and wonder if we are doing things right, or are we doing enough with them??? Yesterday I left my son playing with his toys while I folded laundry. I later had the guilty thought that maybe I should have had him right there beside me, helping to fold clothes, that way I could be talking to him and teaching him things as I folded laundry. My logical side tells me that it is perfectly OK for mommy to have a few minutes of quiet time in another room from the kiddos. My neurotic/guilt laden/self doubting side wonders if by missing those 10 minutes out of my child's life explains why he doesn't know all his colors by the age of 21 months?!?
This week has probably been one of the most difficult since my daughter was born. My son has been under the weather and has been on a week long crying, no sleeping, no eating, tantrum throwing, doesn't want to be inside, doesn't want to be outside, doesn't want to get in the car, doesn't want to get out of the car, doesn't want to play with toys, doesn't want to read books, you name it binge! I think all of his frustration is only made worse because he doesn't talk yet. He seems to know what he wants but I am having trouble figuring it out, and the more I guess and get it wrong the more frustrated he gets. I know that once he does start talking there will be days I will pray for silence but I also know will not miss these days of having my little boy stare at me with tears running down his face and his big eyes just pleading for mommy to "figure it out"!
So, it's been a tough week, a week that I have really wondered if I'm a bad parent. And no it is not just because I found my son walking around with a steak knife that he had pulled off of the counter! Yes, I know, (hand slap to the side of my head) I know that he can get stuff off of the counters, so why did I leave a knife out???? Good question!! When I saw him, I took a deep breath, and calmly removed the knife from his hands - disaster adverted!
Then there are moments like this afternoon when my son crawls up in my lap and cuddles with me for a long time, or I pick my baby girl up and she gives that heart melting smile, then I remember that I may not have all the answers or do everything right but my children will never have to doubt my love for them.
'til next time...